USATF fires all coaches, hires Twitter
USATF fires all coaches, hires Twitter
In a stunning decision that could revolutionize track and field, USA Track and Field (USATF) has announced that all coaches of American athletes have been fired and have been replaced by Twitter.
The change will go into effect immediately.
“USATF has always strived to not only be the national governing body for the people, but of the people,” said USATF CEO Max Siegel. “Therefore, I am proud to announce that our athletes will be the first to be guided by social media. We’re excited for the future.”
From training schedules to daily meals, all facets of an athlete’s life will now be crowdsourced.
“Fans seem to think that American track and field would be better with them in charge of everything and we here at USATF agree,” said USATF President Stephanie Hightower.
While many high-profile coaches were initially furious by the decision, they all soon accepted the harsh reality that the general public is much more qualified to instruct their athletes.
“I’m not surprised,” said former Nike Oregon Project Head Coach Alberto Salazar. “What does surprise me is the fact that it took them this long to come to that conclusion. I’ve been getting my workouts from social media for years.
“After [Galen] Rupp’s indoor two-mile American Record, I pulled up my Twitter timeline to see what the experts thought we should do next. I wasn’t going to have him run anything afterwards, because he was really, really tired.
“Then some 14-year-old from New York, his name escapes me now, suggested that Galen run 5 x Mile with the last rep in four minutes.
“I wrote back, ‘LOL watch this [runner emoji] [dash emoji] [dash emoji] [raised hands emoji] #runchat.’ The rest is history.”
Following the announcement, Twitter called a press conference at the USATF National Office in Indianapolis, Indiana and immediately went to work.
The social media platform’s first order of business was to create a new process to handle disqualifications at major national championships. Although Hightower and Siegel had been “engaged in a discussion of how best to address these issues in a deliberate, thorough and thoughtful manner,” Twitter had devised a simple, yet intricate method to expedite the objective process.
“RT for DQ, Fav for Reinstatement,” they wrote. It should be noted that Flotrack favorited the tweet.
Twitter then took to more socioeconomic issues, such as permitting betting and the sale of alcohol at various track and field venues around the U.S.
“This is a no-brainer and the single most important issue we face as athletes, fans, and Americans #VoteOrDie,” said Nick Symmonds.
However, the final vote was to unanimously oppose both ideas. According to the social analytics, 98% of the Tweets came from 14-year-old high school girls, who cannot currently consume alcohol or gamble legally.
“That demographic makes up the majority of our current fanbase can’t be wrong,” said Siegel.
Twitter also hosted a debate for an array of topics, ranging from racing schedule to eating habits.
“Chris Solinskie [sic] needs to go on a diet. He’s too big for a marathoner #GauntIsBeautiful,” said one user. “#JuiceCleanse FTW,” said another.
When asked about his new nutrition plan, Solinsky was optimistic. “Honestly, I feel pretty terrible, all the time,” he said via phone interview. “But I trust the general public and know that I’ll eventually feel better.”
Although there was no formal discussion on the subject, Mary Cain has been crowned the national champion in all 40 events, men’s and women’s, from now until the end of time, due to “enhanced evidence, lmao.”
Before the press conference could be concluded, Siegel stepped back up to the podium to offer his closing remarks.
“USATF is infallible and stands behind this innovative program one-hundred percent. We know that the program is foolproof because the national governing body says that the program is one-hundred percent foolproof, and, if you remember from the sentence prior: USATF is infallible.”